The Zen Mama's Blog

Zig Ziglar Quote

Bur first, I get so excited to start a garden in the spring. My garden is like a mini vacation where I get away from life’s craziness. It almost like a meditation. There is so much beauty! And now I see my garden as a place to learn that you should not judge or have any expectations for yourself or others.

Last summer, as I do every summer, I planted tomatoes. They were healthy enough, plenty of green leaves with lots of green beautiful tomatoes. These green tomatoes never turned red! It was frustrating at first. My expectations were for RED tomatoes. So I yelled at them, “Now listen here, Solanum Lycopersicum, How many times have told you to turn red? What’s it going to take to turn you RED!” No not really! How could I judge or blame the fruit for not changing to red? No, I had to accept this and look at the circumstances. Maybe the tomatoes needed more water or more sun. Perhaps the dirt needed to be fertilized more. Or maybe it was in the drought.

What I expected was not what I got!

When I told my friend Ashley about my tomato disaster she said, “Haven’t you ever made Fried Green Tomatoes?” I waited a little longer for them to turn but the frost was nearing. So in the end, I learned to make Fried Green Tomatoes. I was not prepared for how incredibly delicious Fried Green Tomatoes are! From now on, I am not only growing red tomatoes, I’m going to be picking the green ones, too. What a positive experience!

I can’t blame a tomato for being what it was not. I will never try to make a carrot be round or a bean grow in winter. I can’t make acorn squash grow as much as zucchini. As a gardener, I need to create the best circumstances for my vegetables and then let nature take its course. No blame and no judgment.

So why is it that when we have problems with a friend or a child that we judge them rather than look to outside circumstances? Why not view ourselves and the people in our life with understanding rather than judgement? In our society we’ve been taught to expect a lot of ourselves and the people around us. But in reality if you expect less, or even have no expectations, you’ll actually get more!

The Zen Papa and I have a running dialogue on judging. He says that judging is a natural part of human nature. We all do it. I agree! It’s natural to observe people. In fact I just love to stray over a cup of coffee at an airport or crowded corner people watching and making up little stories about everyone. What I don’t like is negative judging especially when it’s for the people closest to us…. and the worst, when it’s about judging ourselves! I’ve come to this conclusion: All judging is all based on expectations.

When you expect something of a friend, co-worker, family member, spouse, and they don’t live up to that expectation, then you are upset with them, or disappointed. It causes anger. But what if you had no expectations — then their actions would be neither good nor bad, just actions? You could accept them without frustration, anger or sadness.

When you let go of your expectations for yourself or others, you can find peace. Just like I let go of the red tomato. You’ll find that it’s liberating. Some people think that letting go of expectations means you’re giving up on a person. You’re not giving up; you’re letting go to the attachment of the outcome. And you’re giving permission to yourself or another person to be themselves. If you let go, you can be happier with life. And infinite possibilities open up for the person you were judging and for yourself.

Here’s your homework: Try a Judgment Free Day. Try a day of no expectations. Let go of perfection for yourself and for your family, friends and co-workers. When you feel the judgmental thought come, listen to it and then let it go.

Recipe for Fried Green Tomatoes:
• 3-4 large green tomatoes
• cup of flour with a little salt, pepper and a dash of garlic powder added
• 2-3 eggs beat with a tablespoon of milk
• panko (Japanese bread crumbs or bread crumbs of choice)
• olive oil (I just put in a little rather than cover the whole tomato)

First, cut thick slices of the green tomato. Then dip the tomatoes in the flour. Cover completely with flour. Dip in egg mixture next and then dredge them in the panko. Lastly, fry up them up in the oil. Flip over when browned. Great eaten alone or dip in a sauce of mayonnaise mixed with a little lemon and dill. Very easy and delicious!

Good luck with your homework! Let me know how your Judgment Free Day went and let me know in the comments below when NOT judging has really made a difference in your life.

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.”
~ Salvador Dalí

“If we stopped judging our success, our bodies, our relationships (and) our abundance, not only will we have more, but everyone else at the table will as well. And removing judgement makes room for something so much greater and so much more expansive.”
~Elle Sommer from Reflecting a Life
(Check out Elle’s latest post, What To Do When Life Sucks, where I found the above quote.)

“There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.”
~ Buddha

*Also, if you love gardening, check out Fran Sorin’s, Author of Digging Deep, wonderful gardening blog, Fransorin.com.

** P.S. I’ve written a bit about gardening and what it has to teach us. If you’re interested, read the following posts!

• I make a vegetable garden with my preschoolers every spring and wrote a post called, Kids Love Hard Work.

• The garden can teaches that everyone is individual that I wrote about in The Lesson Of The Flower Seed Packet.

• It’s a place to get close to our children when I wrote How To Find Peace In A Garden With Your Kids.

• A trip to the Botanic Gardens and my backyard inspired this post Lessons to Be Learned By Bees and Flowers.

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