“Knowledge must come through action.”
~Sophocles
“Kids spell love T-I-M-E.”
~John Crudele
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
~Epictetus
In 2009 I was waking in the night because of worry. I was often angry. I was not close to my kids anymore. I knew I had to change. So, during the middle of the night I wrote myself advice which became my book, HOW TO BE A ZEN MAMA.
Looking back, I know that I was not the only parent going through these issues and that mine weren’t even that bad compared to other teenage problems. In that spirit, I’ve invited some blogging friends to share their teenage thoughts this month.
In chapter nine of my book, “Let Them Experience Life”, I wrote about how children must discover mistakes on their own. We parents are here to listen. You will want to save them from having the same bad experiences that you have had. But children need to make mistakes because this shapes them into the person they will become. It’s how children gain confidence.
My first guest post is from Missy at Literal Mom. Her oldest is now a tween. She’s stuggling how to best prepare herself and her tween for the teenage issues that are on their way:
Sometimes I struggle, immensely, with changing my parenting skills and approach as my children grow.
A couple of weeks ago I listened to a speaker on the topic of “Building Your Child’s Self-Esteem.” And he said what I expected him to say. Namely, that self-esteem doesn’t come from being praised. Self-esteem comes from within. And actually, the more you praise your child with the syrupy sweet praise our current generation’s come to know and use, the less your child will believe you. And the less self-esteem they’ll have.
And I get all that. What he also talked about, though, is something where my struggle comes. And it’s this: Children do not want our parental advice. All they want is for us to listen to them without any other distractions. He said that 20 minutes of totally focused time with your child, listening, is better than 2 hours of half-baked listening, where you’re doing 5 other things at the same time you’re “kind of listening.” And that listening, without solving their problems for them, is the biggest key to building self-esteem in a child. For life.
And I’m struggling with that!
You know why?
Because I think it’s probably, totally, dead-on true. So I imagine it’s not the message I’m struggling with. It’s my application of the message.
It’s one thing to allow your toddler to struggle with a block tower, a preschooler to struggle with a zipper, a Kindergartner to struggle with a book. It’s quite another to allow your older children to struggle with things like bullying, friendship issues, whether to cheat on a test, lying, etc.
But this time is so important for them to try, and fail, on their own. (Except for the whole bullying issue, which is a little different than normal growing pains, I believe.)
When my Oldest daughter, a tween, gets in the car after school she often spends 30 minutes or more sharing all of the“wrongs” she’s suffered through the day. I’m so happy she does this.
But I so want to jump in and say, “well next time do this,” or “why didn’t you do it this way?” And I know that’s not the right approach. I know she’s venting and not looking for answers. Sometimes, even when she asks my advice, she doesn’t want the answer. I can tell by how she disengages when I start to talk.
It’s hard to rely on the other ways I think/hope/pray we’re teaching her how to be a good person, and not jump in and give her an “answer” to a problem on any given day.
But I’m trying. Because I want to be a Zen Mama when I grow up. Am I the only one who struggles with this? Are there others of you out there, I hope, who share this feeling?
Missy writes the blog, The Literal Mom. The Literal Mom, founded in March 2011, encourages us all to become thinking parents. Missy believes that, “It’s when we put ourselves on auto-pilot and just coast through parenting (and life in general) that things can go awry. The more of us who really think about parenting, the better parents we will become. And the better parents we become, the better kids we will raise. And the better kids we raise, the better the next generation will be.”
You are definitely not alone, Missy. I have similar secret fears with my son who has just turned fourteen and
knows everything. Yet, as you said, it is very, very hard not to intervene sometimes. I think it is mostly because a part of us, as moms, continues to see them as babies. We were always around. This is more true for my son as he is an only child. I pray every day that I am the mom he will always be proud of and also see as his friend. 
So far, so good. But the tough years are probably yet to come. I make it a point to listen as much as I can – that’s what they need most, rather than input from us, I believe. 
. Somehow we must magically develop the intuition to recognize when they do need advice. My style is usually “recommending” or “suggesting” and never telling. Vidur is a somewhat gentle fella with unique interests rather uncommon in kids his age but amazingly strong-willed.
It is lovely to see you here, Missy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. And Betsy, thanks for this lovely post. I like both of you so much!
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:38 pm
From Missy:
I think that’s exactly what I worry about too Vidya – recognizing when they need the advice and recognizing when they just need a listening ear. It’s definitely an art to learn that, I think! Thank you for the kind words – I am totally honored to appear here at Betsy’s site.
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Great post! I find that is so true – children don’t really want our advice. (until it’s not offered, lol!) Tweens and teens are a hard nut to crack. Time. That’s all. Oh, and patience. LOTTTTTTTTTS of patience.
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:40 pm
From Missy:
Sheila – Time and lots of patience. Yes, definitely. But sometimes way easier said than practiced, I bet!
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Missy..
Great post and right on target. It took me years to learn to listen to my children. I never even thought about not ‘giving advice’ until they were teenagers. At that point, no matter what advice you give, it doesn’t matter.
Thanks for a wise and reflective post. Fran
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Fran – I remember the teen years well and how LITTLE I thought I needed my own mother’s advice. What in the world would make me think my children will believe any differently. It’s one of the rites of growing up, I suppose. Thank you for your kind words. Reflective, yes. But wise? That’s definitely Betsy’s department – I’m just in training.
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Oh, yeah. I hear you. And mine are only 8 and 4. Even at that age, it’s more than block towers.
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:41 pm
From Missy:
Jessie – My 4 year old is quite the whipper snapper! She doesn’t want help with ANYTHING – already!
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I have a 16 and 18 year old. The key is not only not giving too much advice, but listening, and listening when they want to talk. Teens really have specific times that they want to open up and you better drop everything and listen because if not you just might miss it.
Great insights Missy enjoyed the post!
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Motherhood is Messy – I have heard that also! That when they show up in the kitchen and sit there staring (sometimes angrily) at you when they haven’t come to the kitchen for weeks, then you’d better drop everything and put your listening ears on. Thanks for the important reminder!
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I’m not a mom but I have teenage nieces and nephews. I try to suggest in a subtle way the things that I know my siblings would appreciate their kids doing. It doesn’t always work though.
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:41 pm
From Missy:
Angela – One thing I have read, though, is that kids will sometimes listen to advice from non-parents they trust more readily than their own parents at times. So you have a great plan going, I think! I’ll bet your siblings appreciate that.
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Hi Missy and Betsy,
Great topic for a guest post. I know I struggled with that as well when my kids were teenagers. There are definitely areas where a parent needs to intervene, but most issues are best left to the child to figure out on their own. It does make them stronger and more resilient.
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Cathy – I’d love to read a post of yours where it IS necessary to intervene. I can take a few guesses, but maybe it’s something you can write sometime?
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Totally not alone. My daughter is only 17 months so I a ways off yet from this situation, but I see this a lot with parents who do have tween and teen kiddos. The parents act like know it alls just like the kids. Sometimes I wonder if the parents just never grew out of that stage from being a teenager. HA! I believe we should all be students our whole lives through and be humble enough to understand that we can even learn from our kids. I like the idea of being that humble. It also commands a certain type of respect from not just kids but everyone. When you remain teachable, others admire this and are then that much more willing to listen to you when you have a nugget of wisdom to share! It’s a win-win.
Loved this post!
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:43 pm
From Missy:
Amber – I LOVE that. What a lucky girl your daughter is to have a mom like you, who is already so wise! Sometimes I think parents just can’t help it. When you hear certain things come out of your kids’ mouths, it can be a major exercise in self-control to just listen.
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I struggle being a big kid’s mom too, Missy! When they’re toddlers they have no idea of what a screw up you can be. You can do no wrong, and everything in their world is perfect. BUT, then they begin to realize. You’re human.
Oh, this is so hard. My son (newly 13) has reached the stage where I find myself really watching what I say and how I say it. Listening is probably my worst quality, and I know I need to be more alert and attentive when he’s talking to me. I mean, jeez! At least he’s talking to me. I should be so happy! I think sometimes I make him feel like he’s bothering me.
“20 minutes of totally focused time with your child, listening, is better than 2 hours of half-baked listening, where you’re doing 5 other things at the same time you’re “kind of listening.”-OUCH!
Thanks for this thought provoking reminder.
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Betsy Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 8:43 pm
From Missy:
Adrienne – I know – you should have seen people cringing in their seats when this speaker said that. He actually said it about 4 times because he wanted to make sure we got it. Finally someone said, “so me checking my iphone while . . .” and he didn’t even let him finish, just started moaning with his hands over his ears and yelled, “for the love of God, parents, put away your phones when you’re talking to your kids.” It was a MAJOR eye opener. And you are SO right about the toddler thing – my 4 year old thinks I am SO awesome right now. And even while she’s hugging me and telling me she loves me, I’ll see my almost 10 year old rolling her eyes. It’s kind of a funny difference between the two of them!
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thank you for the reminder of how important our focused attention and listening is for our children. as a single mom, i get so caught up in what needs to get done before bedtime, i forget to just sit and be with my son.
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Betsy Reply:
February 3rd, 2012 at 1:31 pm
From Missy:
To Ije – I understand completely. When you have 100+ things waiting for you to do around the house, sometimes it IS so hard to just sit and BE and listen to them. But they need it so badly. And it’s not bad for us either – connecting with our kids.
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Mine are 2, 5 and 8. I know that when my kids are trying to talk to me or ask me something and I try to keep doing what I’m doing, giving them a part of my attention, we all get more stressed and frustrated. I’ve learned to stop whatever I’m doing in the moment, look directly into their beautiful eyes and ask what they need. Many times when they ask a questions, I’ll answer it with, “What do you think?” I love to listen to their creative answers.
I’ve struggled with being there in general. A couple years ago when my husband lost someone very close to him, I struggled with the best way to support him. I kept wanting to do something to fix the problem when all he really needed was someone to be there to listen to him, just like you’ve said about our kids.
Learning the fine art of listening is one of the best gifts that we can give to those close to us. Thank you for this article!
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Betsy Reply:
February 3rd, 2012 at 1:32 pm
FROM MISSY:
To Paige – I love that you ask them “What do you think?” It gives them the confidence TO think and that’s so important. To know that their mother believes in their answer instead of just being the “all-knowing one” can have a profound effect on their emotional development. And yes, the gift of listening truly can be one of the best gifts we give those around us. Way better than an Ipad!
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Parenting isn’t easy. I only stopped giving my adult kids advice in the last 3-5 years. Sometimes today I still have to practically bite my tongue off. Byron Katie really helped me when she said, “How do I know what’s right for my adult children, when I don’t know what’s right for myself half the time.” The day I read that was life changing for me but …LOL especially for my kids! Isn’t life grand? We can change in any instant. It’s never too late.
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Betsy Reply:
February 3rd, 2012 at 1:32 pm
FROM MISSY:
Tess – Life IS grand. It’s hard and exhausting sometimes, but it is TRULY beautiful. And that quote – I LOVE it. So perfect, especially as it relates to a relationship with adult children.
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i can relate to you even though i don’t have kids yet
we shouldn’t burden them with advice in order to allow them to develop their real personalities
thank you:)
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Betsy Reply:
February 6th, 2012 at 10:19 pm
FROM MISSY:
To Farouk,
Thank you. Many days, it is much easier said than done to not give them advice. But it’s a work in progress!
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My children are still a ways away from this age but there are some great points here. Good post, Missy. It’s so obvious you are far from alone. Someday I’ll probably write a post on a similar topic.
Often I find that I am reminding myself of what I don’t want to do as my children get older. I’ve started to write a letter to them that is just as much for me. To remind myself of what I’d like for them and the type of mother I’d like to be.
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Betsy Reply:
February 6th, 2012 at 10:20 pm
FROM MISSY:
To aplaceforthoughts
I write my kids a letter on every birthday too. It’s a combination of their special moments in the year and my “someday I won’t be here” thoughts. And I have no idea when I’ll give them the letters. not for a long, long time!
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Missy, I want to be a Zen Mama when I grow up too!
Great post!
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Betsy Reply:
February 6th, 2012 at 10:20 pm
FROM MISSY:
To JennyBean
Let’s work on being Zen Mamas together!
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Betsy Reply:
February 8th, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Awww, I’m blushing!! Let’s all be Zen Mamas together!
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I try very hard to do this with my barely-beginning-to-be-verbal toddler. Listening to a toddler is about providing focused attention and showing them that you empathize with their toddler-sized struggles even (especially) when you aren’t doing what they want. Sometimes slowing down to their pace and letting go of my own need to communicate verbally is very hard, but I know it’s what he needs and I know it’s a great opportunity for spiritual growth to spend so much time staying in the present moment deeply engaged with him. The challenges, and opportunities, will of course evolve as he grows older.
Thanks for your great post!
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Betsy Reply:
February 8th, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Missy is answering these comments but I just had to write to you about what I’ve learned about toddlers and language. Language is located in one part of the brain and action in the other hemisphere. The “roadway” that connects those two parts of the brain isn’t totally developed in young kids. So sometimes the action can’t access the language part of the brain. Hence the frustration and then the tantrum that occurs is totally understandable. If you slow down (like you’re talking about), you can help them access their words or even put words in their mouth to help young children to communicate.
Thanks for stopping by Zen Mama and reading Missy’s guest post!!
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