“If you kick a stone in anger, you’ll hurt your own foot.”
~Korean Proverb
All parents have been there. It’s Saturday morning. You’ve got to go to the soccer/lacrosse/football game and there are no socks to be found. It’s especially bad if you’re a working parent and can’t get to the laundry during the week. So you say, with maybe a trace of anger in your voice, “How many times have I said to be ready BEFORE we leave the house.” Yes, this has happened to me frequently over the past 15 years. The difference is that now, I stop myself before I get mad.
And it may not be a missing sock, maybe it’s poster board, tights for ballet class. or costumes for school plays. Or maybe it’s not anger towards your children but a spouse, a co-worker, a neighbor, or your parents. You get the picture!
From the Buddhist point of view, anger is a form of suffering; because the angry individual suffers as well as his or her victims. Anger is like a poison. You need the antidote. Tibetan Buddhists practice the 12 antidotes to anger. Here are a few of my favorite antidotes to the poison of anger:
ANTIDOTE 1 – Patience
Patience is the most important antidote to anger. We all have ways to access patience. For some, it’s counting to 100. For others, it’s leaving the situation for a moment. Next time you feel anger, wait a moment before you say something you might regret.
ANTIDOTE 4 – Changing or Accepting
This is one of my favorites. If you can change the problem, what’s the use of being angry? If you cannot change the problem, then what’s the use of being angry? Can I change the sock situation? Absolutely! Can I change the weather for the game? No! So what’s the use of worrying and getting angry. Get rid of your expectations.
ANTIDOTE 5 – Realistic Analysis
Have a look at yourself. Are you part of the problem? We all make mistakes and get into bad habits. We often put blame where it’s not due, like being late and then blaming the bus when you miss it. As for the sock…yes I could do the laundry more often.
ANTIDOTE 11 – Body Language
Your body language can be part of the anger as well. If you are frowning and your fists are clenched, maybe you should open your hands and relax your facial muscles. The other person will pick up on that “language” change using their intuition. Buddhists believe that if you put your hands over your heart you can’t be angry.
ANTIDOTE 12 – Meditation
Lastly, meditation is the another way the Buddhists solve the problem of anger. I spend some time taking deep breaths. I breathe in peace and breath out anger. Not everyone has the time or interest in meditation. However, I think there are many different ways to clear your head of the negative thoughts. For me, it’s reading a good book. For someone else it may be a good run or workout. Cooking is another creative outlet. If you do meditate, think of compassion, love and forgiveness and this will help to make the feelings of anger go away.
I might add two things, empathy and awareness:
Empathy: How many times have you misplaced your keys, your purse, the important papers you were going to copy at the office? Did someone get mad at you for that? Did someone say, “Haven’t you done this too many times? Can’t you get your act together?” See yourself in their shoes, rather than be angry at your children for losing their socks. Try being sympathetic toward the person that you’re angry with.
Awareness: Realistically, you can’t say, “Now, I’m never going to be angry again.” Of course you are! But there are ways to solve the problems of anger before it gets out of control. Don’t be angry at yourself for being angry. Don’t be fearful. Be mindful. You need to understand where your anger comes from. Sometimes you attract what you need into your life. Awareness of your anger can be a great teacher about what’s not working in your life.
So the next time you start to feel angry or another negative emotion, think about these antidotes to anger and try to change! By the way, Oliver (#25) was wearing his father’s dress socks in the above picture. Did it matter? Not a bit!!
“I would not look upon anger as something foreign to me that I have to fight… I have to deal with my anger with care, with love, with tenderness, with nonviolence.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it
at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
~ Buddha
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ah yes, been there, done that 1000 times over, lol. I find another simple way is to do nothing and let the responsibility fall on the kid (especially when they are older like mine). The other day my son couldn’t find his LaCrosse jersey. He had to go without it. Now he’s learned that if he takes his laundry downstairs to wash, and fails to wash it… he might not have the item he needs when he needs it.
lol.
And, of course when it’s “mom’s fault”, we have to suck it up and admit it. Another good teaching lesson. hahaha.
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What a great post!
Thanks, Betsy.
And as to socks getting lost or not being washed: http://zensteph.blogspot.de/2012/04/lost-socks.html
Greetings,
Steph
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I’ve always believed that anger is a waste of energy, energy that is better used to find the solution rather than rant about the problem, because, as you said, it doesn’t find the sock anyway. Worse still, anger blinds us to a lot of things. I like the antidotes you listed. I’ve read about the Buddhist 12, too
Great lesson in here, Betsy! Have a great week ahead!
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that is a great post!!! Thank you so much!!
I smiled as every single Saturday i am facing that same issue. Where is my scout’s shirt? why isn’t it ironed? I get upset and angry and repeat, the should be prepared one night before, knowing that I do the same, and never get ready one night before.
I love antidote % as I wrote exactly that same idea as a response to my latest Blog Post. To a friend Blogger who was asking, how I can manage to look at the positive things when living in abuse, i answered that I can’t change the situation, and till I can, I will make the best out of it
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Love this post!
Little things can stress us out of all proportion – and usually the thing that we are getting angry about is something pretty insignificant if we take time to calm down and look at the bigger picture!
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I love the concept of your blog! I’m also very much leaning into zen. I learned all about the 4 poisons (or 3?) at a monastery retreat.. Greed was one of them, anger, envy..
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Ah,the irony of reading this wonderful post first thing Monday morning. I can very much relate to this feeling of frustration. I will spend extra time contemplating these antidotes, most especially # 5.
Thanks Betsy!
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Love the idea…with a hand over your heart, you can’t be angry. Lovely post Betsy.
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Betsy Reply:
May 6th, 2012 at 10:44 am
Thank you Elle! I love that, too. And it really works!
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Great post and such helpful tips. I really need to work on Antidote #1, but I’m slowly learning way to deal with it. I really like your added antidotes of empathy and awareness.
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Betsy Reply:
May 6th, 2012 at 10:45 am
Don’t we all need to work on patience. But it definitely works! I’m glad you enjoyed the added antidotes as well!
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Dad’s dress socks…LOL… time spent on solution rather than being angry. Super!!!Breathe in peace. Breathe out anger. That I can do. Hands on heart another easy thing to do…Be mindful. All great things!!!
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Betsy Reply:
May 6th, 2012 at 10:46 am
The dress socks also added a little humor to the situation, too. Most solutions are simple. It’s finally taking the steps to practice them are hard. Thanks for the comment, Elly!
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Hi Betsy,
As a parent, I can relate to trying to get out the door for one activity or another and something is missing. Your tips are great. We have all been there and know how it feels, so healthier to keep our anger in check.
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Betsy Reply:
May 6th, 2012 at 10:47 am
Haven’t we all been there!! Talk about a shared experience. The anger is also shared, too! Thanks for the comment Cathy!
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Betsy,
If I could go back and do parenting over again…I would!
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Betsy Reply:
May 6th, 2012 at 10:48 am
I know! I’d be a different parent to my oldest, that’s for sure. But the good news is that what happened before the Zen Mama days shaped him and he is truly an amazing person. Thanks for the comment, Tess!
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Love, love, love this message. Thanks SO much for sharing it, Betsy!
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Betsy Reply:
May 6th, 2012 at 10:48 am
Thank you so much Missy! Glad it was a good one for you!
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Hey Betsy,
In my day to day rat race I often use number 5. Often I used to allow myself to leave late for work, try and rush to get there and be stressed, angry and frustrated about it and I missed out on all the beauty of my journey.
Now I leave earlier and not surprisingly, I get there faster too without even having to try. Allowing yourself that time always wonders for me.
Thank you for the fabulous post!
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Betsy Reply:
May 6th, 2012 at 10:49 am
Amit,
A simple solution! But it takes a while to come to the conclusion! So glad you enjoyed the post! I’ll check out your site a little later today.
Thanks for the comment!
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Powerful reminder of how to let things go. Thank you!
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Betsy Reply:
May 6th, 2012 at 10:49 am
Thanks Pamela!! Letting go is the key to a happier life, that’s for sure!!
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Great post, Betsy. Can’t sleep tonight and I knew the other night I didn’t get to catch up on all your posts so I thought I’d try to finish. This post really spoke to me and I’d like to see a similar one on sadness. Anger is a form of suffering. Indeed. Love the reminders in this post. Thank you!
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