“The era of “yes” has begun.”
~Carl Allen, main character in “Yes Man”
“I was saying yes because … the world is full of possibilities, and… you want to take every single one of them.”
~Danny Wallace, author of the book, Yes, Man
All around me lately, I’ve been seeing the word yes. In books, in newspaper articles, in quotes on facebook and even movies. Last week, we saw the movie “Yes, Man” with Jim Carey. He plays a bank employee, Carl Allen, who has become withdrawn after a divorce. He says no to everything offered him and has an increasingly negative outlook on his life. Then he goes to a “Yes!” seminar. Reluctantly, Carl agrees stop being a “No Man” and say, “Yes!” to every opportunity that comes his way. Mostly this is a good thing, and he meets his new love and gets the job he’s always wanted.
Chapter 5 of How To Be A Zen Mama‘s is called, “Be A Yes Mom”. Several years ago, I decided to become a “Yes Mom”. Are you more of a “Yes Mom” (you can also insert Dad/Person) or a “No Mom”?
A “No Mom” (Dad/Person) is not unlike Jim Carrey in the beginning of the movie, one that says “No” to anything someone suggests. Yes, I was that person. No would come out of my mouth automatically. A “No Mom” doesn’t take the time to think it over. They just know that they don’t want their child to get wet, cook, make a mess, go out, read an extra story, get dirty. And when asked why, “Because I say so” is a perfectly acceptable answer for a “No Mom”. A “No Mom” (Dad/Person) is the final authority. And they certainly knows what’s best for you. Besides everyone, especially children, need to understand what no means, right?
A “Yes Mom” (Dad/person) is one that stops before saying “No”. A “Yes Mom” is open to possibilities. A Yes Mom wants to hear, “Why do you want to do that” first. “Yes” stops argument because “Yes” means “I’m listening and I find your interests of value.”
The Zen Papa and I try to say “Yes” as much as possible. I must give him total credit for this idea. His thought was that if you say “YES!” to your children’s questions, they are usually satisfied with the answer and an argument is avoided. Now, this doesn’t mean that you don’t set limits or that there are no rules or discipline. The kids may want to stay up all night or have ice cream before dinner, which isn’t going to happen except maybe on a special occasion. “Yes” is just another way of answering questions positively. For example:
• “Mom, can we go to a movie?” YES, maybe this Saturday would be good. Instead of, NO we’re too busy today
• “Mom, can we play Go-fish?” YES, after you clean your room. Instead of NO, I’m cleaning the house.
• “Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast?” YES, on your birthday. Instead of NO, that isn’t healthy for you.
• “Mom, can we stay up really late tonight?” YES, on a night that we have nothing going on the next day. Instead of, NO you have a soccer game tomorrow.
• “Mom, can I make brownies?” YES! Next time I’m at the store I’ll get the brownie mix. Instead of, NO, I don’t have the ingredients.
If you’re a “Yes Mom”, people know that when you do say “No” you have a good reason for it. This is a benefit of saying “Yes”. If you can say “Yes” most of the time, when you have to say “No”, (like when a car is coming) children listen because they know you mean it. Children tune out people who say “No” all the time.
By saying “Yes”, you may be starting your child out on a career or a life long interest. Steven Spielberg’s Dad said, “Yes” when he asked if he could the family’s 8mm camera. While getting a boy scout badge, he recounts, “My dad’s still-camera was broken, so I asked the scoutmaster if I could tell a story with my father’s movie camera. He said yes, and I got an idea to do a Western. I made it and got my merit badge. That was how it all started.” The rest is history.
When you take your ego out, you begin to realize, what’s wrong with eating ice cream at a bad time, what’s wrong with getting a little muddy on a rainy day.
Just saying “Yes” feels good. Try it! “No” makes you feel grumpy inside.
“Yes” is a word of gratitude, of being a Possibilitarian. “Yes” lets you accept opportunities you never dreamed of before.
“Yes” makes things happen and says “I respect your crazy wonderful ideas”. “Yes” helps you to live in the present and move forward to do wonderful things. “Yes” allows you to create an extraordinary life.
Try having a “YES!” day or a “YES!” week. Find a way not to say “No” but to say “YES!” to most everything. Get out of your comfort zone. Let your children (spouses/friends) have their dreams. Say YES and be supportive.
Look for Part 2 in two days, an interview with Alex Blackwell from the Bridgemaker, author of Saying Yes To Change.
“I thank god for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirit of trees and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.”
~e.e. cummings
Photo Credit: Gossip Gone Good from Facebook
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Coolest! Betsy! I am a “Yes” Mom much to the chagrin of a lot of people. But then, I reap the benefits with a happy family.
I fully agree about “yes” stopping unnecessary argument in its tracks. And I am also guilty of adding a rider to my “yes” sometimes with an “after you…”. Again, I am thrilled to see that activity happening right away! Oh yes, I am blessed. It is a good life when we are positive in action, thought and word.
I look forward to Part 2 eagerly!
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Betsy Reply:
April 18th, 2012 at 9:43 pm
Isn’t that the truth! People disagree with you about being a “Yes Mom” because they find that you are too lax and your kids will never understand the meaning of no… but then, who has the happy family?? I couldn’t agree with that more. And yes, you are definitely blessed! No question about that!!
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Oops…I meant to also say that I loved the movie “Yes Man” – Jim Carey is one of my favorite actors. And I like the “Possibilitarian” concept.
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Betsy Reply:
April 18th, 2012 at 9:43 pm
I didn’t expect to like it but ended up loving it, too!!
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I have been a Yes mom since I read Zen Mama the first time. It makes me feel happier to say yes too!
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Betsy Reply:
April 18th, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Thanks Terry! It does make everyone around the word happy!! Thanks for the comment!!
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I love this post. Thank you! You are so right. I have a habit of saying “no” when what I really mean is “not now.” It can be reframed in a much more positive light for everyone if I, instead, say “yes, after…” or “yes, as soon as…” Thank you for the practical reminders.
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Betsy Reply:
April 18th, 2012 at 9:47 pm
Hi Christie,
Yes (haha) saying “no” immediately is a habit, one I’ve almost relieved myself of! So glad you like these reminders. Let me know how it goes!!
Thanks for the comment!! Glad to have you here and thanks for the link up!
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Love it, yes! I do:) A few years back, I decided to be a “yes” person…my barrier then was often “I don’t know how”…when I began to use the affirmation that learning is fun and allowed gratitude to guide me, doors opened, my life expanded, and inner peace (regardless of external circumstance) became the norm.
Yes, is a form of presence, connection, and abundance and feels “light”. I love your reflections and insights in this article–thank you:)
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Betsy Reply:
April 18th, 2012 at 9:48 pm
Yup! I know the “I don’t know how” as well. Yes is truly an amazing word. I like your description of abundance and feeling light! Thanks for the comment Joy! I’m always so happy to see your name here!!
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When my son was very young and we would go away for the weekend I used to make a deal with him that we were going on a “yes weekend”. He will say yes to everything I ask of him and he will get the same answer from me. I miss our yes weekends
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Betsy Reply:
April 18th, 2012 at 9:49 pm
I love that! How old is your son now?
So glad to have your here! Thanks for your comment Shalom!
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Perfect timing. My husband and I are taking our 2 kids to Mexico this week and I want to be a yes mom!! We will be spending more time together than usual (esp w/ my stepson) and I want them to have fun. Sometimes I can be uptight and impatient. Perhaps the more I say yes, the happier everyone will be.
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Betsy Reply:
April 18th, 2012 at 9:50 pm
Lucy,
I can’t wait to hear how everything goes. How old is your stepson? It works really well with boys who want to control everything in their lives!! Please write and tell me about your trip!!
Thanks for the comment!
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These are some great ideas for re-phrasing. We’ve been using “we’ll see” and “maybe” so far but I like the “yes, when” much better. It takes practice to not say no so often. When I’m working at home with my 2 year old (and, sometimes, my 5 year old), I have to remind myself of their constant needs. And taking breaks from work to simply play with them is awesome. After working in an office for so long, I feel truly blessed to be able to be home with them. Saying yes to their requests for fun with Mom always brings a smile to my heart.
Thanks for the great ideas Betsy!
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Betsy Reply:
April 18th, 2012 at 9:51 pm
Love it! Re-phrasing! That’s exactly my thoughts on all my Zen Mama ideas. You just have to change your reaction and life will instantly be better.
Thanks Paige!
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One of my favorite movies, by the way! Love this post Betsy, good stuff! And that is SO true – if you say no all the time – it really doesn’t mean a lot. In fact, if you’re one of those people who doesn’t stick to their guns… no sometimes can mean “maybe” or even yes. Depends on how many times you say “no” to a child for instance… before you give in and say “yes”.
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Betsy Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 3:57 am
Oh, I so agree about the person who doesn’t stick to your guns! I think I was like that at one point. The kids knew that I’d eventually fold over certain issues and keep at it until I’d say Yes! I might as well just start with yes and save myself!! Thanks for the comment Sheila!!
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Fabulous post! Yes, indeed.
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