“No one is useless in the world who lightens the burden of it for anyone else.”
~Charles Dickens
What’s the hardest thing to do in the world?
Ask for help!
What’s one of the best feelings in the world?
Helping someone!
It’s a true ying and yang! On one end you don’t want to ask for help but by not asking for help you are denying someone else’s chance to help you!
First the Ying:
Are you independent and like to do things yourself? Do you see asking for help as a sign of weakness? It’s scary to ask for help. Someone might tell you no. Someone might see you as not being able to do your job and criticize you for it. You’re afraid your ego might suffer.
Actually it’s a sign of strength if you can ask for help. We all need each other. No man is an island. We are all connected!
What started this post was a visit to my local T-Mobile store. I was trying to change my service without having to get the two year contract that came with a change. They didn’t say, “No it can’t be done.” The two clerks said to me, “How can we help you?” I explained exactly what I wanted and then we proceeded to work out a plan. I was expecting them NOT to help. I left amazed!
Like many people, I love to do everything myself. It seems easier. I often find myself saying, “No, that’s ok I can do it.” The end of the school year is a very busy time, especially for a teacher and for parents. Because of being so busy, I’m trying hard not to be stressed. So, it’s seemed like the perfect time to follow my own advice and ask for help. I asked for help from my fellow teachers. I asked for help from my fellow bloggers and have some great interviews to post during my last weeks of school. I asked for help from my son’s teachers. And they are bending over backwards to offer help.
When is the best time to ask for help? Before you’re feeling stressed and have been burning the candle at both ends. Don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed and frustrated. Ask for help early on. Simple advice but hard to do sometimes.
And the research shows that people are delighted to help. Stanford Graduate School did a study with “new research [that] verifies the old adage, ‘Ask and you shall receive.’ A series of studies revealed that people tend to grossly underestimate how likely others will agree to help.”
“Our research should encourage people to ask for help and not assume that others are disinclined to comply,” says Frank Flynn, associate professor of organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business. “People are more willing to help than you think, and that can be important to know when you’re trying to get the resources you need to get a job done, when you’re trying to solicit funds, or what have you.” They found that the people in the study came back “to the lab afterward with big smiles, saying, ‘I can’t believe how nice people were!’ ”
How To Ask For Help:
• Ask for help in a positive way. If you are positive, people will want to support you more. Stop complaining about how busy you are.
• Explain in detail what the person can do to help you. That way you will not be disapointed later.
• Be Ok with a no. It doesn’t mean you’re not liked. Don’t take it personally.
• It’s also Ok to be afraid. Acknowledge your fear and move forward anyway.
• Remember that people are often delighted to help you. They take it as a huge compliment.
• Ask and Ye Shall Receive – The universe will heed your call. It’s called the Law of Attraction. You can manifest what you want out of life with a firm, I AM statement. “I AM getting all the help I need.”
“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Now the Yang:
When the shoe is on the other foot, ask “How can I help you?”
As a teacher, I am constantly in touch with the parents of my students. Sometimes it’s about something wonderful that their child has done. Sometimes it’s a more difficult subject. Then, there are the times when a parent comes with an accusation. This can put me on the defensive. But then I remember what it’s like to be a parent and I simply say, “How can I help you?”
How To Help Others?
• First simply say, “How can I help you?” Just saying this may make a person feel better.
• Figure out the best way to help. Make sure you find out in detail how to help. Or maybe you need to just say, “Here give me this ______ and I’ll have it back to you in a little while.” OR “Tomorrow I’m bringing you dinner.”
• Use active listening to really listen to what the person who needs help is telling you.
• Only take on what you can do. Helping can backfire if you can’t get it done either.
“Refusing to ask for help when you need it is refusing someone the chance to be helpful.”
~Ric Ocasek
Lastly, Share The Joy and The Gratitude
• Once you’re been helped, say “Thank you” and share the positive results of their help.
• If you are the one doing the helping, check back in and see how easing someone’s burden actually helped them out.
Sharing the Burden Either Way
Change the way you’re thinking! Ask for help or help someone! Sometimes just having another person understand can help ease the burden. The load is lightened and you will get closer to people in your life in the process.
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I liked your yin-yang approach to this topic. Either way, win-win
My enlightenment about not having to do everything myself and hesitating to ask for help came when my Mom was suffering from a prolonged illness and I slept 3-4 hours at night. I also had a family to look after, housework to do and tackle work as well.
Wonderful read. Ask and ye shall receive is the truest line. And of course, not taking it personally when faced with a “no”.
Have a great week ahead, Betsy. And take care. AND. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. Love, Vidya
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Betsy Reply:
May 7th, 2012 at 11:57 am
Hi Vidya,
I like that the ying-yang is a win-win! Perfect!! It has taken me a long time to ask for help but I’m getting better and better at it. It’s especially hard for me when I think things should be done a certain way. You have to let go of that feeling of wanting perfection. Thanks for the good wishes and I will let you know if I need anything!!
Love,
Betsy
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Betsy,
Wonderful, as usual! This one is a tricky one for me. Like you, being busy wrapping up the school year and shuffling kids to and fro is a hugely stressful time for me. In addition, my husband takes to the waters again in the spring, so I am single-parenting much of the time.
Part of asking for help really is for me to let go of unrealistic expectations of myself, and remember that it is okay to say NO rather than taking on something I can’t totally complete.
Thanks for the valuable reminder. And hang in there. We are both gearing up for my favorite time of year…a different BUSY season, in different ways. SUMMER:)
In Harmony,
Jen
[Reply]
Betsy Reply:
May 7th, 2012 at 5:57 pm
You are so right about asking for help being a letting go of your own expectations! How right you are!! I may have to quote you on that one. Yes, two more weeks for me. How many for you!
Thanks for your insightful comment Jen!
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Great article Betsy…love the yin and yang aspect.
My experience is when I have to handle a challenge with Banks, Utilities or any service providers and I begin the conversation “I hope you can help me” nine times out of ten they can and they do! You’re right, people really do want to help.
Encourage one another.
Elle.
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Betsy Reply:
May 7th, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Thanks Elle,
I love that “I hope you can help me.” It’s almost like a positive affirmation for others. Thanks so much for your comment!
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Betsy,
This is so true. I love asking, receiving and sharing. Isn’t life grand? xo
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Betsy Reply:
May 7th, 2012 at 5:55 pm
Thanks Tess! I find asking to be hard. But I’m getting better! And yes, life couldn’t be grander!!
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I love it, thank you! I had been an excellent giver…yet learning to ask, in general, then specifically was a challenge for me. When I recognize it is all flow, and receiving truly is honoring flow, it makes both giving and receiving an honor. When I recently reached out and asked peers for specific help. like you I was astounded at the ease of the process, and the abundance, I received. Beyond that, though, were the words of others who said that my “asking” reflected the ability to them. Wonderful!
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Betsy Reply:
May 7th, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Joy,
I think many women are that way, easy to be a giver but harder to ask. I love what you have to say about flow! So true! And it is such a compliment to ask someone for help. Thanks for your comment.
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My latest post on my Blog is called “a cry for Help”. I learned to ask for help when I need it. Not easy, but so important. Thank you
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Betsy Reply:
May 7th, 2012 at 5:53 pm
I’ll come over and read it Nikky! Glad you enjoyed and thanks for the comment!
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I love this post, Betsy!
Everything that you say is so true, too. I think that most of us find being the helper much easier than being the person who asks for help. But they are both equally important – it is about the balance of life – the yin and the yang.
I’m glad that you asked for help, and I’m sure that everyone who is helping you feels great doing it!
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Betsy Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 6:27 am
Thank you Jodi!
And I agree that we find it easier to help, too. But it is a balance and we deprive others of being able to help if we don’t accept their help.
Thanks for your comment!!
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Hey Betsy, I’ve always said that things work both ways. Not only being a good listener, but also being a great conversationalist and contributer. Equally, being good at helping people but also knowing when it’s a good time to ask for help and not being afraid to ask for that help when it’s need – and that’s the part I often fall flat on my face at. I’m not sure if it’s my pride or what, but I very rarely take or ask for help from people…
In fact, as I’m sitting here, writing this, my eyes are welling up somewhat and I’m not sure why…this concept of asking for help has caught me off guard somewhat….thanks for awakening something in me today.
[Reply]
Betsy Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 6:51 am
Hi Amit,
Yes, so many emotions go together just like listening and talking. So glad you enjoyed the post and that it awakened something in you today. And thanks for your comment today!
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Hi Betsy,
I loved the post for the main reason that you were so creative with the topic of asking for help, and giving help. What you wrote is so true and I never thought of it in this way!
As you said, asking for help is hard and by not asking, we are denying somebody the chance to help.
This post has resulted in a complete “re-frame” for me, when it comes to asking for help.
Thank you so much!
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Betsy Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 10:09 pm
Thanks Hiten! I started out by just writing about asking for help. While I was writing I realized how easy it is to give help and it all came together form there. So glad you liked it!! That means a lot to me!!
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You are so right – it’s so hard to ask for help. But when I do (which is rarely), I feel pretty good. And the helper feels good too. And I LOVE to help people, so what’s the difference?
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Betsy Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 10:10 pm
You put it perfectly! It’s like a big circle that just keeps going! Thanks Missy!
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This awesome post came at just the right time for me. I’ve been wrestling with trying to ePublish one of my books, and doing all the work myself without help. Unfortunately, my progress is snail-paced slow, and all because I really don’t know what I’m doing. I know I need to ask for help, but I’m so stubborn. I hate admitting I need help. Always have. So thanks for this post. It is helping me stumble toward asking for help. Big move indeed!
T
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Betsy Reply:
May 10th, 2012 at 11:12 am
Terri,
Ask me for help! I have two self published books that are ebooks as well! Just let me know what questions you have and I’ll try to answer as best as I can!!
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How have the past couple weeks been going for you, Betsy?
I’ve never been very good at asking for help. Another great post here.
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