“We don’t need to wait for people and situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony.” ~ Byron Katie
A few months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. I was worried about a friend of mine, a mama, who feels she is at her rope’s end. Her family is in the midst of financial worries. She feels like she has no control of her life. She feels stuck. I really wanted to help her but there, in the middle of the night, I realized that people have to help themselves. I wrote my friend a letter that I never sent.
Since then, she is seems to have hit bottom and is working her way up. The Zen Papa thought I should post the letter so that it could benefit someone else.
Dear Friend,
It’s time to change your life.
I wish I could help you. I could try and call all the time. I could send you books that might remain unread. I could tell you, “If you change your thoughts you’d change your life.”
You might answer back: “That’s easy for you to say. You were born lucky.”
I’d say: “Am I lucky because I am lucky or am I lucky because I think I’m lucky?”
You will say: “You don’t have any worries. You don’t worry about your kids anymore. You don’t have any financial worries.”
I say, “But I do have worries as everyone else does. I just see them differently. My life is the same life everyone is born with. But I think differently.”
This I know: I can’t help you. You have to help yourself. If you truly believe life is happening the way it’s supposed to, then I want you to believe that reading this letter is the motivation you’re getting to change things. You have to start by saying this affirmation:
“Today is the day I’m going to start to change my life.”
First, write this list of the things you would change that very day if you could.
Or maybe just before you write that list, answer these questions:
1. When am I most happy?
2. Am I just letting life happen to me?
3. How can I help myself and in doing so help my family?
4. What area of my life can I control? What area of my life is out of control?
5. Why can’t I follow my passion?
6. What is stopping me?
7. What am I waiting for? Why can’t I start today?
I like Byron Katie’s 4 questions to help you to attack each problem and see it differently. Katie says, “It’s not the problem that causes our suffering; it’s our thinking about the problem.” Try her four questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do I react when I think that thought?
4. Who would I be without that thought?
So ask yourself these questions as you begin to change your thoughts and your life!
(Click here to find out more about Byron Katie’s “The Work”.)
Yes, “Life isn’t fair”, as someone we know used to say. But you can’t wait for a person or an event to change before life gets fair. Maybe, just maybe, if you change your thinking, then your life will begin to get better, little by little. You can’t wait for life to change first. You have to be the change you want to have in your life.
Try to realize that you are the one you’ve been waiting for to heal you and change your life.
I love you!
Betsy
**************
I’ll be speaking with Andrea DeBell at the Britelife Summit on July 27 at 12:00 Pacific Standard Time. We’ll be talking about how to find happiness as a parent. It’s an online event, so you can access the interviews by either calling in or through a free Internet webcast. All you need is a computer. It will be available for 48 hours after that, too, for free.
Sign up! Click here for more information.
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Hi Betsy,
It’s easier for me to choose change than to be pushed to change. Recently I began green juicing. I ordered a good juicer and then let it sit for 3 months! LOL Juiced the last 4 of 5 days and am super excited about the rest of my green life;)
I also started taking yoga, the gym is 3 blocks down the road.
And I’m going to get body work from a young woman at WDS. I’m movin’ and groovin’ xo
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Betsy Reply:
July 24th, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Hi Tess,
That’s really the way to be! You want to change before others try to make you. I’ve been wondering about juicing. Do you like it? I’ve been thinking about giving it a try, too. But I’m afraid I’d let it sit for a while, too. I’d love to hear what you think!
You are amazing!
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Hi Betsy – what a beautiful, compassionate, and true letter! This is something that has truly helped me through some very difficult times and something that I continue to work on. Your perspective on your reality is so, so important -in fact, I believe that is perhaps the only area of control in life, the way you choose to look at things. I know that I will return to read your letter to your friend whenever I’m feeling a bit stuck or uninspired. Thank you for you insight! – Rebecca
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Betsy Reply:
July 24th, 2012 at 5:33 pm
Thank you Rebecca! I couldn’t send it to my friend, so I’m glad that the letter meant something to you! And perspective is totally our reality! It sometimes takes a lifetime to realize this. I really appreciate your comment! Looking forward to more!!
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What a great letter. This is so perfect for me now. I have been trying, with no results, to help a good friend who bemoans her life. Her happiness and moods are totally enmeshed with her adult children. They’re home doing very little, so she’s depressed and miserable about it. It’s a pretty sad sack of a home.
Our friendship has really taken a turn for the worse because of my frustration and yes, annoyance, over her lack of doing anything to help herself. I’ve pulled back a lot knowing she doesn’t want to keep hearing me talk. I try to just be a listener without putting in my three and four cents but it’s so hard for me to see them all be so miserable.
I wish I could send her this post. She probably wouldn’t even read it though.
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Betsy Reply:
July 24th, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Thank you Harriet! I’m so glad you liked it! I can see why you’re frustrated with your friend. But there’s not much more you can do, but be a listener. Hopefully she will turn the corner like my friend has. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they can come back up! Keep me updated!
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Questions are at the heart of all matters. Great questions move “mountains” and these are great questions, thankyou Betsy
be good to yourself
David
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 11:42 am
Thank you, David! When you answer questions truthfully it’s amazing what comes out. When I first read Byron Katie’s questons, I thought they were too simple. Then I tried it out! Whoa! Lots came out from that.
Thanks for your comment!
Betsy
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Betsy…I’m laughing because when my kids used to say ‘it’s not fair’, my response would be ‘how do you know’ and ‘why does it matter’? Then I would try to help them focus on how to deal with the situation.
Your letter gets right to the heart of the matter. It is your attitude and how you deal with what’s thrown your way that dictates pretty much how your life will be.
My Dad’s partner had lost 2 husbands and a son when they started dating 7 years ago. Her daughter, in her 50s, died unexpectedly this past December. I’m in awe of how she has been able to not only carry on but laugh, celebrate, and of course, mourn. When I ask her how she does it, her response is: “What choice do I have?”. This is a woman to admire.
Fran
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 11:43 am
It was my mother who used to say to our “It’s not fair”, “life’s not fair”. I didn’t quite get it as a kid. Because actually it was very fair to me! But I still said it! Your Dad’s partner sounds amazing. I had to admire someone who has carried on like that!! That is definitely attitude and maybe something you’re born with, too!!
Thanks for your great comment, Fran!
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Betsy,
What a wonderful letter! So eloquently put! It hit me right in the heart — I can tell you put a lot into it, and you poured your soul into the words in this letter. It is awesome. Thanks for the information on Byron Katie’s 4 questions — I had heard these questions before, but didn’t know who to attribute them to!
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 11:44 am
Thank you, Victor! It did come from the heart! Byron Katie’s questions are deceptively simple. Check out her website… it’s great!
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Sweet. Happiness is a choice. I realized that as a child. Great advice. I do hope your friend overcomes her issues quickly.
I am looking forward to your talk with Andrea.
Love, Vidya
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 11:46 am
I love how you say that “Happiness is a DIY project! Love Vidur’s email signature!! He’s an amazing guy with amazing parents! Hope you enjoy the talk!!
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good morning Betsy
thank you for just what i needed today
my adult daughter gets very caught up in what a few people say,do,or do not do
she is so amazing yet allows these people to really upset her
i have just written her a card quoting you
many thanks for all your thoughts
L
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 11:47 am
Thank you for your comment today! So glad it hit home. Hope the quote helps your daughter. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to let go of the opinion of others. Keep me updated!
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Wonderful compassionate, supportive letter Betsy. You always come from the heart and I love that about you. And because of that, it reaches to the heart. Your friend might not yet be able to hear it, or change anything, but she will feel it.
There are times when the best thing we can do for friends or family who are stuck in challenges is simply to imagine them being the happy little souls that they truly are underneath it all.
Elle
xoxo
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 11:49 am
Thank you Elle! So glad you enjoyed reading it. I think my friend knows how much I support her. But the best thing I can do is be an ear for her. She is climbing up though… I can feel it!
Thanks for your wonderful comment!
xoxo
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It took me a long time to realise that my happiness depended on me and it wasn’t the job of the rest of the world to make me feel good. Once I had accepted that life was never going to be fair I set about changing my life in a positive way.
Love the questions in your post. They’ve got me thinking!
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 12:16 pm
Good advice Carolyn! Accept that life isn’t fair and set about changing your life! That’s what makes your blog so good… you followed this advice and are now able to send it out to others. Glad you enjoyed the questions, too!
Thanks for your comment!
xoxo
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Betsy! So happy to seeing you sharing Byron Katie with us. Her questions are indeed transformative and have had a big impact on me and my coachign clients, as you may already know if you’ve had a chance to dip into my book. As you know, when things aren’t working, what Katie’s Work urges us to do is to start by accepting our life exactly the way it is; then, things will begin to change. Love What Is — my practical adaptation of the title of her seminal first book — is a mantra I aim to remember.
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 12:21 pm
Suzanne,
You’re right about about Byron Katie’s questions. I thought I they were too simple until I tried them out myself. It’s amazing! And I love your adaptation, “Love What Is”. Perfect! Thanks for your book reminder! I packed away all my books because we were going to paint the room with all the shelves but never had have. But before I answered your comment, I went and got your book (check it out everyone at Suzanne’s website: http://www.suzannegrenager.com) and have it on my bedside table now. Thanks for your patience! And thanks for your comment!
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Hi Tess and Becky,
Just stepping in on the juicing thing. My husband and I used to juice regularly. It helped us sleep better, feel more alert and just feel better overall. Then we got away from it for a couple of years and really noticed a difference. Now we’re back at it and it’s great. The kids love the juice too!
Btw, the key for us was easy care – we found a great juicer that was easy to run and VERY easy to clean.
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Oh good! Glad to hear! I’ve read that easy to clean is very important. Can you email me the brand? I have a gift certificate and keep going back and forth about getting one. Thanks!!
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Beautiful post, Betsy. There have been times in the past where I’ve spent a lot of time – and even more energy – trying to help friends that weren’t ready to be helped and weren’t ready to change. Sometimes people seem determined to hold onto a very negative viewpoint – maybe it makes them feel less accountable for what’s happening in their lives. You’ve made a very good point that sometimes we have to stand back and allow our friends to help themselves when they’re ready, cheering them on and sending them love from the sidelines. Thank you for this post!
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Betsy Reply:
July 25th, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Christine,
Thank you! It is frustrating when a friend has a negative viewpoint. I guess I’ve been there at times, too. Nothing anyone can say helps. And you really don’t want advice. So we have to be the same person for them as when we were going through tough times.
So glad you enjoyed! Thank you for your great comment!!
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I love this. I have a friend in a similar position right now too and THIS is exactly what I would say to her – if she would listen. But everyone has to get to their answer in their own time, I suppose.
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Betsy Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 7:30 pm
Thank you, Missy! I know it helped me just to write it down in the middle of the night. Everyone has their own path, I agree!
Thanks for your comment!
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It’s so true that we can’t help others unless they truly want to be helped. Even then, we can’t do anything for them. We’re merely guides along their path. We make our own choices and move forward from there.
When I’m in a tough situation, I think not only of what I can do to change things but who I need to be. For example, if I think it would take a very driven person to get something accomplished, I think about how that driven person feels, thinks and acts. What kinds of habits do they have? How can I take on those traits (like putting on a coat)? How can I become that driven person every day?
Whether we do it actively or passively, we are constantly creating our own life. I like to be more proactive in that process.
Love the very heart-felt letter!
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Betsy Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 7:32 pm
You are very proactive! I like your way of thinking, taking on the traits you need to get the job done. Great idea!!
Glad you liked the letter! And thanks for your heart-felt comment.
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You’re so right, Betsy. People have to help themselves. I used to lend my shoulder out a lot until I realized that it was being cried on again and again by the same people who kept having the same problems.
That letter that you wrote that you never sent to your friend–it was good for the soul and for the readers of the Zen Mama’s blog!
xoxo, Jenny
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Betsy Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 7:34 pm
So true Jenny, about people always crying about the same problems. It’s a habit they’ve gotten into.
And you’re right, the letter has become one for readers. By the time I posted, my friend has definitely risen back up and found some great projects to begin her new life.
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Excellent post Betsy and that’s why I feel so strongly about instilling it in children from the beginning. We live in a world that doesn’t necessarily support ‘the positive’ on every corner; we have make an effort in the beginning to see things from a positive place, before it becomes second nature. With all the tragedy in the news lately, I was asked to post about looking at these events from a positive place. Wow, it was challenging, to say the least. But there IS a higher place to see everything from and our thoughts DO change everything. Loved it, thanks!
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Betsy Reply:
July 27th, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Thank you Patricia! I need to come and read your post. I was also thinking about writing one since I live here in Colorado. May I can reference your blog?
Thanks for your insightful comment!
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Good post! I think this is great advice and also I’d add that she shouldn’t feel ashamed or alone because SO many of us are in the same boat, or were in the same boat. Rock bottom is nice in a way because it forces us to HAVE TO go up. Make tough decisions and get on the right track. Tell her to do what she’s gotta do even if it’s something she dreads like that big step of credit counseling, settling, or bankruptcy. At this point she needs to just do it and move FORWARD. That’s key. Good luck to your friend
She’ll be okay.
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Betsy Reply:
July 27th, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Thanks Sheila! I really like your addition. You always have such a great perspective that rock bottom is nice. I agree that many people have tough decisions and she is on her way back up!
Thanks for your great comment!!
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Hi Betsy,
I loved your post and it reminded me of a couple of things:
1. From a coaching perspective, we only ever facilitate people in accessing resources, which they themselves already have, in order to heal their problem. And even to reach this stage, the person has to be willing to change.
2. To question every self-limiting thought, like Byron Katie’s four questions. Such defeating thoughts are never accurate. They are usually based upon false information, which is often missing and a bunch of assumptions, which have all been created by the mind. Questioning such thoughts, puts a frame of doubt around them, and here starts the process of change.
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I see this so clearly with one of my kids who really wants to make some different choices but doesn’t want to make the changes that those choices would require. Change is scary. We have to want it more than we want to stay the same. Great advice.
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hi Betsy
i loved hearing you on Friday!
your voice is just what i exspected..calm and relaxed
you are great
lsm
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It can be rather difficult to offer help when the other party is not ready. The only thing left for us to do is to let him or her know that we would be there.
It is true that everyone has worries, some maybe less than others. Nonetheless, as what you have shared, it is changing the perspective to a more positive one that helps. Worrying does not do anything but increase stress levels. It cannot even solve the problems.
Your letter offers useful suggestions in checking out Bryon Katie’s work. This may just help in getting your friend on a more positive track.
I enjoyed reading your post! Thank you, Betsy, for sharing your letter.
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When you’re right, you’re right. It’s always about our own perspective.
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Hi Betsy,
That is a beautiful letter. I have someone in my life I could send a similar letter. But we don’t change until we are ready. It is hard to sit on the sidelines, and wonder if things are ever going to get better. Your words are so true – “You can’t wait for life to change first. You have to be the change you want to have in your life.” Take care and thanks for sharing your letter.
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that’s so motivational Besty
i feel like my energy got charged
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What a wonderful post, Betsy. Thank you for the powerful questions. I look forward to diving into your blog for more inspiration.
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